You were there in the turnstiles With the wind at your heels You stretched for the stars And you know how it feels - The Whole of The Moon - The Waterboys

We all have a song, our song.  This is my song. It makes me smile and it makes me cry and the words are so dear to my heart for numerous reasons.  Mike Scott, who wrote the song, apparently wrote it because he wanted to acknowledge those people who had inspired him or who had touched his life in someway.  I guess, therefore, it is ironic that I have chosen this song, my song as the last song for this blog.

I started writing when I went to Australia and then when I moved to London, some of you asked if I would blog. I decided, that even though I have never really felt comfortable writing about myself, I would do so that in case, just in case, one day my daughter would want to read about my life and fill in the gaps.

During this time many of you have left me and I know the only people I will hear about this decision are Ian and Sarah - thank you. This will be my 7th Christmas on my own and whilst that is not fine, I feel differently about the whole thing this year. I have my Christmas back and even have a tree this year. I will not be blogging again. It has been quite an easy decision really. During this time I have had friends who have found themselves single, then in a relationship, then pregnant.  I have friends who were single and are now in a full time relationship.  I have other friends who have left their partners and moved on. I have friends who have died. I have friends who have moved away and started a new life the other side of the world.  I have friends who have and continue to, fight illness and I have friends who I thought were friends yet never hear from again.  Life moves on. I need to move on. Not sure where I am going, but hey, I haven't felt grounded or safe anywhere since 2011. So nothing new.

I am sure if anyone wants to keep in touch with me or find me you can do so. We live in an instantaneous world. If Megan wants to find me, she will. She is bright, of course she is she is my daughter. However, until we all meet again, and I have to believe that I will meet Megan again because if I did not there would be no point in continuing day in day out, I wish you all that you wish for yourself. I wish you good health, much happiness, laughter and above all else I wish you love.

Thank you for walking part of this journey with me.

As always, with my love x

I pictured a rainbow
You held it in your hands
I had flashes
But you saw the plan
I wandered out in the world for years
While you just stayed in your room
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon

Hmm, you were there in the turnstiles, with the wind at your heels
You stretched for the stars and you know how it feels to reach too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon
I was grounded
While you filled the skies
I was dumbfounded by truth
You cut through lies
I saw the rain dirty valley
You saw Brigadoon
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon

I spoke about wings
You just flew
I wondered, I guessed and I tried
You just knew
I sighed
But you swooned, I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon

(The whole of the moond) with a torch in your pocket and the wind at your heels
You climbed on the ladder and you know how it feels to get too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon, hey yeah!

Unicorns and cannonballs, palaces and piers
Trumpets, towers and tenements
Wide oceans full of tears
Flags, rags ferryboats
Scimitars and scarves
Every precious dream and vision
Underneath the stars, yes, you climbed on the ladder
With the wind in your sails
You came like a comet
Blazing your trail too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon

All Around The World, you've gotta spread the word Tell 'em what you heard You're gonna make a better day All Around The World, you've gotta spread the word Tell 'em what you heard You know it's gonna be okay (All Around The World - Oasis)

Is it going to be OK? I have been saying this for the past six years and life takes its toll. Christmas is looming (again) and as much as I have done so much; I feel as if I have achieved so little.  I will let Noel do his thing.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  An incredibly busy day today. Early start as delivery training all day then straight up to Russell Square for University. However, I was awake from

Again maybe?

4.30 am with my head racing. Also, the boiler chose the most coldest day of the year to decide not to work and the flat and water were freezing. The training was OK and then I had to rush to catch a bus up to Russell Square as I had to collect a book from the library, then a coffee then off to my seminar.  This will be the last one before New Zealand and tonight my lecturer told us all what she expected for our essay proposal.  The lecture was interesting and I am on the right track for my essay so at least that is OK. Finally, got home at 10.30pm absolutely exhausted.

Tuesday:  In the office for most to the day, sitting in meetings wishing I was somewhere else. Not sure where, but not there.  Went home and did nothing and was in bed by 8.00pm. I decided I would get comfy and watch Holby City in the warmth of my lovely bed.  I did not see it, I fell asleep.  I am not surprised. I have had a headache since Sunday night and can't seem to shift it.

Wednesday:  Working from home today, so no commute, no need for make up or hair wash.  Really busy (of course I am) and managed, by the end of the day

to get it all done.  I want to be on top of it before I travel as goodness knows what I am coming back too.  Not the best of weeks, I think Sunday's news is still having an impact.

Thursday:  This year has not been the best of years, for numerous reasons and this week is shaping up to be a right treat!  Received a text message that gave me no surprises whatsoever, yet left me feeling deflated. Followed a few hours later by another text message which just made me feel, well let's leave it there. I wish I could get on that bloody plane now on a one way ticket!

Friday:  Right on queue today we have the launch the John Lewis Christmas Advert. Thank you for that!  Each year I love it/dread it and this year is no exception. The song is a cover by Elbow, one of my favourite bands and it is emotionally challenging.  I sobbed then sobbed a bit more. I was hoping to be on a plane away from all this madness before it started this year. So much for that idea.  Flat cleaned, bedding washed ironed and put away, final bits put together. Sigh.  

Saturday:  Busy day, usual start and was very happy with the result. Then off to have nails done.  Takes so long and I can just about manage to sit there waiting for them to dry.  Caught the bus up to Waterloo.  I wanted to to go Tottenham Court Road but the bus was terminated at Waterloo as the bridge was closed.  Don't know why.  I think it was something to do with the Lord Mayor's firework display.  Met up with Andy and we went to see Young Frankenstein.  It was the stage production of the Mel Brooke's film and we were not disappointed.  It was so funny and I laughed out loud literally.  My favourite bit in was the same as the film 'Putting on the Ritz' really funny and I would definitely recommend it.

Terrible nights sleep but I guess it does not matter as my sleep pattern is about to go out of the window.  If you want to read about my New Zealand adventure you will find it at:

https://karensayskiaora.blogspot.co.uk

'Normal' blogging service will restart in December.  So if you are going to follow me I shall see you in the Southern Hemisphere.

As always, with my love x

Get around round round I get around From town to town Get around round round I get around I'm a real cool head Get around round round I get around I'm makin' real good bread Get around round round I get around I get around Round (I Get Around - The Beach Boys)

The sound of summer.  I wish.  You know when you hear the Beach Boys that you should be wearing your shades and soaking up the sun.  Unfortunately, I am not (but it wont be long). As always enjoy.

Saturday:  Here we are again another Saturday and off I trotted to fat club on my own. Happy with the result and I am doing well.  Back home and the best meal of the week, just for one this week.  I was trying to sum up the energy to go out. A wet, grey, duvet day in London and I was heading west. I am useless these days, I really am.   I had to correct, again, a woman in Marks & Spencer's who obviously thought I should be jolly well married off by now and bestowed

the title of Mrs on me (yes I know again, think how I feel). Needless to say, I put her right in no uncertain terms. Heteronormativity. Assumptions. Sigh. So because of all this, I forgot what I went up there for i.e. a gift voucher and also some Australian Dollars! Grrrrrrrr.  Selfridge's window is starting to take shape and it even felt a bit like Christmas.

Had a terrible headache this evening and found it hard to shift.  Watched A Fish called Wanda.  I did see it when it first come out all those years ago, but had quite forgotten about it.  It was funny. Ended the evening by mixing some tunes on iTunes so at least I will have some music for my travels.

Sunday:  Cold but sunny. Heard from the Kiwi, usual nonsense .... not ready to date, yada, yada, yada. Which means I will bump into him in Wellington. All

good, I had a great evening last Saturday so all is good.  Nipped to the shops, not much this week obviously as not going to be around much.  Then Andy and I went to the pictures to see Murder on the Orient Express ..... the new one obviously.

It was OK, nothing brilliant.  We both did not care for Kenneth Branagh as Poirot. In fact the film seemed to be all about him and not the other 12 characters. It was a shame as the 1974 version, in my opinion, was great. This one wast lost, it all seemed very fragmented. But it wasted away a cold Sunday afternoon in London.

Back home and I had some devastating news. A person I know, well who I kind of collected, had been tragically killed in a car crash in Europe.  Terrible news, she was only 41. It made me feel quite sad to be honest then angry. Life can seem terribly unfair an unjust at times. We are all very fragile and none of us know when it is our time. I think of the years Megan has wasted. Neither of us will get these years back.  It is just a bloody waste.  Early night I think.

As always, with my love x

The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive Everybody's out on the run tonight but there's no place left to hide (Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen)

I love this song; not that I ever run anywhere.  I do not even run for the bus these days as there is always another one in a few minutes. Classic song and one of those artists who I really like, yet never have seen.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  Early start, busy day.  In a meeting all day with my colleagues. It went very well.  On the bus and up to Russell Square.  One of my friends said to me over the weekend they don't know where I get my energy from; I haven't a clue, I have to just get on with it.  University was brilliant this evening; my passion and also the one lecture that relates to my first essay.  Sexology.  I will part that there and let you draw your own conclusions.

Home on the bus and it was quite cold and I was glad to get home as I had been out of the house for just over 12 hours.

Tuesday:  Working from home today which is fine as I have so much to do.  Made some delicious roasted pepper soup for lunch and managed to clear a great deal of work done but still no focus on New Zealand (I can hear that clock ticking.  I used to be organised in past life and now I can't even think about being organised.

Wednesday:  Working done and dusted and I was off out.  I went to the Wellcome Library in Euston. It was part of my university work that I had to go.  I have been to the Wellcome Centre before but not to use the library. What a

little treat this place is. You can join, free for five years.  I needed to look at two books relating to birth control prior to the 1950's.  My books were from the 1930's and 1940's.  It was strange, holding those books in my hand, reading about birth control choices (not many and still not many) thinking how things have progressed in such a short time.  Amazing and such a privilege. Back home and it was time to do ....... nothing.  I have to pinch myself still that I can get on a bus and get to places like the Wellcome Library and that this is still my playground.  How lucky am I? Actually started to pack today.  Well I got my passport out of the drawer!

Thursday:  Busy morning (working from home) and numerous phone calls.  There is so much I should be doing and just cannot drum up the enthusiasm or energy to do it.  I will get my arse in gear on Saturday;  I promise.

This evening I went to Goldsmiths University in New Cross.  I have never been here before and remember it as a child as it was en route to London when we used to come up here on the coach as a child.  Fond memories. 

Friday:  Friday.  Thank goodness.  Andy is away this evening and I am home alone.  I cracked on with my degree work. Bibliography compiled and a good

part of the essay proposal done; I really think I can start looking forward to my holiday.  Almost.

Finally put all my books and papers away and snuggled down for the evening. Quite a busy day tomorrow as I need to go up Oxford Street to actually collect my currency (it may help to actually have some money on me I thought). Not looking forward to it as the weather forecast is rain.  Of course it is.

As always, with my love x

Rain whistle blowing makes a sleepy noise Underneath their blankets go all the girls and boys Rocking rolling riding out along the bay All bound for Morningtown many miles away Driver at the engine fireman rings the bell Sand man swings the lantern to show that all is well (Morning Town - The Seekers

I used to sing this song to my Megan when she was small (obviously), fond memories that make me smile and make me sad.  However, memories all the same.  As always, enjoy.

Saturday:  You know the routine. All OK, not brilliant, who knows why because I have been 100%, but a loss is a loss.  Home and fed and today is my volunteering day.  I love this so much.  Got to Soho and spent two hours spreading my sparkle (and condoms). I met some lovely people, stroked a gorgeous beard and had a lovely hug from my Italian barber.  It is official, I am now living with the Beautiful People (Google Beautiful People TV series).

Said my goodbyes as I will not see the boys for a month and made my way down to Picturehouse Central.  It was date time.  I met up with the Kiwi (the guy from last week) and we had a coffee then went to the Curzon to see The Death of Stalin that is directed by Armando Iannucci who in my opinion can do no wrong.  It was so funny and me being funny kept getting a fit of the giggles. I really good film; humour but very funny.

So it was time to eat.  Now what some of you may not know about me is I have a 'fear' of about eating in front of people.  Never used to have this, God only knows where it has come from and Ian, I have done so well when we go out to eat and feel very comfortable with you now. But this is date time.  The Kiwi (who obviously has a name but will remain anonymous for now) suggested Peruvian.  All I know from Peru is Paddington and marmalade sandwiches!  Needless to say, this is not what he had in mind. I have walked passed this Peruvian restaurant countless times in Soho and never noticed. It looked amazing; such a lovely atmosphere, but alas, no tables.

We then decided to have a wander around and see what we can find.  The next part really could be a scene in the next Bridget Jones film.  You have been warned.  Remember, eating in front of people.  So we find a Japanese restaurant. How cool is that. It was stunningly beautiful and we rocked up and were given a table.  The waitress come up and gave us both an iPad each which displayed the menu, along with photos. Ian, you know give me a menu and I take ages; give me an iPad and I a hopeless. I scrolled and looked. The photos were absolutely amazing, I was blown away and it all looked amazing. Then the stark reality sunk in.  Not only would I be eating in front of the said Kiwi but I would be eating with chopsticks!

In the end I delegated the responsibility to him to order and it transpires we should have added our choices to favourites.  It is a good job I did not as I wanted to add everything I liked the look of!  He ordered a selection of food then the waiter come over to take drinks orders.  He had a Japanese beer and there were two Belgium beers to chose.  The girl did well and said I would have the blonde beer!  Yay, go me.  The next thing to happen was another waiter come over with a jug and a pipette with the soy sauce.  The food that followed was absolutely amazing. I think this was the best food I have had in London. The dishes were works of art, totally stunning. It was one of those meals that I did not want to end.  I surprised myself and did so well with the chopsticks.  But I did feel totally relaxed and at ease.  We chatting a great deal about New Zealand and what there is there to see and eat.  The food kept coming. We had a selection of sushi then I had an amazing dish of scallops and truffle oil. We shared our food and had a taste of each other dishes. It really was a lovely meal.

We then went to get some gin. However, everywhere was so busy for Halloween and you know me, I do not like masks, However, most of the costumes were very low key.  The Kiwi was telling me about a place called the Arts Club but they wanted £10 each to get in so we decided to find a pub.  He then looked an found a gin bar, but when we got there it was closed!  As we were looking on the phone a guy walked by and asked if we were lost, we explained that we were looking for somewhere to go and it turned out he was the DJ at the Arts Club, of course he was, why are you surprised.  I said to the Kiwi, he would get used to this as this kind of thing always happens around me, as you all know. He said he would tell the doorman our names and we could get in for free.

We wandered around a while and could not find anywhere else to go so went back to the Arts Club. The Kiwi said are you really going to ask.  Of course I was. Needless to say the doorman knew of Chris but still wanted £10 each to get in.  I said to him please tell Chris that we will not be seeing him tonight but thank you. We finally found another pub, just before last orders and had more gin! I had such a lovely evening, good company, good food and good times.

Caught the night bus home which is always an experience in London and tonight was not a disappointment.  I could not see the guys but there were two behind me, very drunk, but very amusing and they were chatting to two women.  It soon become apparent that the two guys were a couple and one in particular was so funny.  He kept saying he wanted a kebab. He then asked one of the women what was she having when she got in and she replied 'oh just a cup of tea, with PG tips'.  The guy then said, very loudly ' PG tips, PG tips! I have you know, I am a homosexual and it is nothing but Yorkshire Gold for me!' I tried not laugh but I guess it summed up the day.  Lovely, new memories.

Sunday:  Clocks have gone back and I did not want to wake up. So tired. Lazy morning telling Andy about my lovely day then showered and dressed ready to go out ............. again! Different day, different man, different film. It was like Groundhog Day as I was back up in Soho.  This afternoon we went to see the new Thor film: Ragnorok. It was really good.  Completely different to yesterday but equally a good and this one was very more pleasing to my eye with either Idis Elba, Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston and Mark Ruffouoe. Choices, choices, choices. It is a really good song and an excellent soundtrack featuring Led Zeppelin and song that was realised in 1970 way, way, way before they were born.  Feeling rather old and depressed now. Sigh!

Back home, dinner cooked and consumed, bag packed for university tomorrow and time to kick back and catch up on life laundry.

It has been a crazy few days.

As always, with my love x

No stop signs, speed limit Nobody's gonna slow me down Like a wheel, gonna spin it Nobody's gonna mess me around (Highway to Hell - ACDC)

Well as there is an Antipodean theme going on here and with the sad news of George Young, I thought we could have an ACDC song. So a classic, you will know it, doesn't mean you will like it.  I love it.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  Strange things are happening again.  Any of you who know me will know this is nothing new.  In fact, I was telling the Kiwi yesterday about the strange things that happen around me.  He did not run for the hills. So yesterday he was mentioning a play he wants to see in the west end, I had not heard of it. He said it was a film as well (films and stuff are his 'thing' and I use that statement very loosely).  So there I am reading my books and next week's reading and the play, well the book of the play of the film, is mentioned in my reading!  I could to believe it.  After a bit of Googling and checking, it is the original version of the play (the one that is mentioned in my book). Then, almost the same time, they mention on the news that George Young, the guy I blogged about last week, the brother of Angus and Malcolm Young of ACDC has died!  I swear, I would have been burnt at the stake if I were around in medieval days!  Weird things my friends, weird things.

So University tonight.  I still get so much joy getting on the 188 to Russell Square and had one of those pinch yourself moments to tell you that hey, yes this is real.  Lecture was very good and it is such a lovely moment when you are taught by an author whose books you have and have read.  Amazing. I do think that finally, things are starting to make a little bit of sense.

Tuesday:  The good thing about living in a time bubble is that you fail to remember what is really going on in the real world.  I have just realised that it is this weekend we put the clocks back.  Summer will be well and truly over. It is very grey and autumnal in London today. I had to make a visit to the darkest depths of South East London which, as usual, resulted in me being on numerous buses for hours!

Back home, via the shop (again) and time to kick back and watch Bake Off.  I know, I lead such an exciting life.

Wednesday:  Working from home all day today which is a blessing and a curse.   I always start work far too early and finish late.  However, I was more disciplined today and got loads done.  A productive day.  Also, the new cooker arrived (such excitement) and very nice it looks too.  It is such beautiful day today, it is more like spring than autumn, and typically I am stuck indoors all day.

So I guess it was all going well.  I rang to register the cooker with Zanussi and got an over familiar bloke on the phone.  I told him I was at work so could we please move things along.  He then asked me if I would rather be called Karen or Mrs Guile.  That was it.  At this point you have to feel sorry for 'Ben'. I told him that I did not want to be addressed as either thank you and why did he 'assume' I would be a Mrs.  He did not have a clue what I was on about. I said I could be a Dr or a Prof, or a Rev; still nothing. He said he had not assumed, so when I said why did you not ask and pushed him further, he put the phone down on me.  Note to you all: never, ever, put the phone down on me.  I called back and asked to speak to a Team Leader and spoke to a lovely guy called Yusef. I told him the tale, he really did not get it until I broke it down into small pieces as in, this will never happen to you because you are a man.  Men do not get labeled this way as the only title they can have is Mr (or Prof, Rev etc) however, their marital, or single status is not defined by their title.  The top and bottom of it is, I have insisted on some diversity training for their staff, and they are going to trace the original call and get back to me in 48 hours.  We shall see.  It is not because I want to get anyone into any trouble, far from it, I want to educate them.  However, I cannot believe I am still having to challenge this 'shit' after all these years. Sigh.

Thursday:  Interesting and productive day.  I spent the evening at a seminar at University it was very interesting.  It was about inequality and women in prisons within the USA.  It took me back and was very informative.  I also got a great

deal of reading done today too, so it is all coming along nicely.

Back home, catch up with Andy and unfortunately his evening had not gone as well as mine then it as time to sleep.

Friday:  Worked this morning and then I had some TOIL to take this afternoon. Andy was on annual leave so went to the market to do some food shopping and then back home for a couple of free hours.  

Tonight Andy and I had free tickets to go and see The Last Leg being filmed. I love this programme.  We had to queue for ages and the people behind us were vile. Four young people who were just loud, rude, racists and well damn right awful.  When it was time to go in, we were given wrist bands and I said to the lovely guy handing them out, 'will they be in numeric order as the people behind us are vile'.  He said 'oh no don't you want to be near them' to which I promptly replied 'No'. So he gave us purple wrist bands.  We did wonder why. The others went in then us and well, there we were on the front row! Yay! 

It was a brilliant evening.  The delicious Russell Brand was on the show, which was an added bonus.  It was obvious we were being filmed as there was a bloody great camera in my face!  Then they had sumo wrestlers on the show and just before the break, one landed in my lap.  I have not seen the show yet but when one of our friends posts 'get that man off your lap' I think we can safely say it went out.  So much for keeping a low profile.  My FB feed went mad and so many people had seen us.  It was a great experience and the fact that I love that show anyway, was great.  No that would never have happened in Stoke.

As always, with my love x

Maximum temperature of 90 degrees Fahrenheit. The sky is blue And the palm trees are really cool. Captain Willcock and his Crew hope you have had a pleasant flight (Barbados - Typically Tropical)

I bet many of you will remember this song.  You wont want too; but you will.  It is OK you don't have to confess to me, just enjoy.

Saturday:  Usual start to our Saturday mornings.  Off to 'fat club'.  We could not stay this week as Andy was going out and I had places to go.  However, we are both VERY happy this week with our progress and I can really see it with him how much weight he has lost.  Not so with me, but I do have more to lose.  That aside, I bet when I see people who I have not seen for a long time, they will notice something different.  Back home, cooked breakfast (the best meal of the week) and then a few hours to kill before I had to go out.  Too much time to do nothing and not enough time to do anything!

I had to go to Deptford to check something out, then off for the obligatory two bags of shopping. I had no choice, I had absolutely nothing in the fridge to eat. I really should be as fit as a flea as carried three heavy bags of shopping up the 48 stairs to the flat.  It was then time to start getting my head around my University stuff.  I made huge progress (I think) and have kind of reference list for my first essay.  Still no idea how to construct said essay but it's a start.  

Quiet night watching a film which was appalling but funny.  Well it wasn't supposed to be but it was fun pulling it apart, but two hours of my life I will not get back.

Sunday:  Early start as I have a date today!  Yes you did read the right and your cannot reach Goddess status in ten minutes unless you are a bloke which means ten minutes before your date you close down the laptop, change your t shirt and spray yourself with some after shave.  Just saying boys.  Beautiful bright, but cold Sunday morning in London and I had to meet the poor, unsuspecting victim at Hampstead.  Now Hampstead is a very lovely part of town and we were meeting for brunch.

Date went really, really well.  He is a very interesting person but once again the Universe has amazed me.  He is from New Zealand, from Wellington (of course he is), very, very interesting career and life and oh yes, will be in Wellington when I am there too as he has to go home for some personal family time.  Only I could end up getting date that starts in London and then meets up in Wellington.  Amazing.  Well let us hope it happens first of all, but I think it will as there is talk of meeting up again to go to the theatre or to see a film. We shall see.

Back home, soup made and chores to do; life continues.  An interesting weekend and now back to 'normality' or whatever that is.

As always, with my love x