There are things that I don't want to learn Oh the last one I had made me cry So I don't want to learn to hold you, touch you think that you're mine (One More Try - George Michael)

Another one from the Faith album.  It is funny when you look at lyrics how they can sum up your life or just be a total head fuck.  This is a beautiful, soulful song. As always, there were a couple of lines I could have chosen, but these few words kind of sun up me at the moment.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  Training all day today and very good it was too.  I got talking, well she started talking to me, to a woman on the bus who was really interesting. I do not do the age thing, but if I had to I would say she was around 65-70 and she was telling me how she travels around, booking herself into Youth Hostels. She was very much a free spirit and I did have to chuckle how she had eyed me out on the bus to talk with.

So as I endeavour to eradicate all things American from my life from Friday, I invested £3 in a huge bag of Reese's as I will not be eating them for another four years!  This may be difficult. However, it also means that I will not be eating Cadbury's either.  I think my one woman protest may be rather difficult to achieve.  Still, I can but try. The rest of the evening was spent watching University Challenge, our dirty little pleasure, and looking at the contestants thinking what a dull life they may have. Some of them really do need a shake up.  Like Oscar Wilde once said 'Youth is wasted on the young' ain't that the truth.  What I would do to turn back the clock a few years, I would certainly be doing things differently.

Tuesday: Not feeling the love at the moment. I know why; many things and fighting them off but it is exhausting.  Especially when a couple of them are totally pointless and could be avoided.  Had a lovely chat with one of my friends in Stoke this evening.  We do not normally chat; just message but tonight I called him. It was so strange to hear a Stoke accent and he thought I sounded really Southern.  Funny old world.

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Art class tonight. Ironically, I was more nervous this evening than last week.  I think it was because I knew what was coming. Tonight we had a young woman as our model and she was brilliant.  She was more bendy than a pipe cleaner. So petite and perfect; I hated her, but she was great. I cannot say it was any easier but my last attempt was 100% better than last week, but let’s face it, I couldn’t get any worse could I?  I cannot tell you how relaxing it is.  It is really like a meditation.  The time just flies by.  We have a couple of 5 minutes poses, then a couple of 10-15 minutes then after our break two 15 minute poses.  There are 35 for us there, so a big class. So there I am with the luvies, the hipsters, the artists and the young.  See told you, not feeling the love.

Wednesday:  Beautiful day today.  Cold, but blue skies.  It is one of those days when you think that Spring is on her way.  However, we have February to get through first.  I worked all morning, full on and then went for a walk.  Popped in to see my Dad and to light a candle for him and for other people then to London Bridge to collect some train tickets. Stopped for a coffee and worked in the library for a bit, before making my way to the local art shop to buy some paper and pencils.  I did not spend much, just in case this time passes but I want to at least give it a go.
Back home and back to work and it really is getting light now, however this evening, once again, it is bitterly cold.  The rest of the evening went down hill rather rapidly .........
 
Thursday:  The black dog and all his friends from the kennels arrived this morning. I could not face the day. I could not leave bed. I did not go to work. I did have a conversation with a dear friend in Stoke which did help (you know who you are) but, well I will leave it there.
 
Friday:  Smile painted back on and out to save others, when all I need is for someone to hold me so tight and tell me it is all going to be ok.  I was suppose to be going for drinks this evening with friends; I did not. I went to bed.  I am feeling very anxious, very confused and very, very alone.

As always, with my love x