I can't feel cos I'm numb I can't feel cos I'm numb What's the worth in all of this? Sing to me So what's the worth in all of this If the child in your head If the child is dead Sing to me (Sing - Blur)

I won't lie, I do not know much about this song but once again I guess it is all about the lyrics.  As always, enjoy.

Saturday:  People have said to me 'oh you are an inspiration' 'you are so strong' 'you are so independent' 'I could never be like you'. The fact is, none of them see me when I am like this; only Andy.  I am no inspiration.  I have no choice but to get on with it.  I dragged myself out which is not easy, keep putting yourself out there.  I am sick and tired of doing everything on my own, no one to share it with, either as a friend or intimately with another. After five years I am tired of it.  

I caught the bus to a safe place, Tate Britain.  I used to dream about going here when I was in Stoke, on a wet and cold Sunday afternoon, so it kind of made sense to seek haven here today.  I went straight to where the Pre-Raphaelite art is displayed and once again, sat in wonder at the wonderful art.  I then went to find something to draw.  So I sat there, in The Tate, Mozart on my headphones, drawing.  Still crap, but got keep practising.  I need a good book now to teach me.

Went to the cafe and had some Earl Grey tea and sat there reading my lovely Grayson Perry book - The Descent of Man. It is fantastic.  I really do need to be studying for my Masters.  It is one of those books that you really do not want to end, so I am trying not to read it too quickly.  So there I am, sitting there reading my book and a woman come up to me and said 'Is anyone sitting here with you? Are you alone? Are you on your own? No one joining you'.  Inwardly I was thinking yes I am on my own because of my life partner of 20 odd years had a mid-life crisis and decided that I was surplus to requirements and that the grass was greener on the other side and my daughter, decided that I was Cruella Deville and the worse mother ever, who gave her the most awful childhood and both just made my life so miserable I am still trying to process it all now, some five years later.  But I smiled and said 'sure you can sit her it is fine'. Yes I am on my own and I feel very alone at the moment.

I walked home from The Tate.  How cool is that, I am in walking distance of all that beautiful, stunning art that I have loved for so many years. Walked through the gardens at the Imperial War Museum.  London is busy at the moment as it is half term so it is full of parents, kids and tourists.  However, I did smile as I got a reminder that Spring is really on her way as I saw the snowdrops and daffodils slowly coming into bloom.  Got home and felt quite tired and dozed for an hour.  Made some dinner and stayed in my room (Andy was out) and then, by 8.30 I was sound asleep.  I do lead such a wild life.

Sunday:  I woke up at 9.00.  12 hours sleep. Needless to say, I had a stonking headache.  It took me ages to get myself motivated.  I obviously need to sleep, but cannot say I felt better for it.  Once again, I put on my make up and dragged myself out.  It does not get any easier, but what choice do I have.  I walked to Shad Thames and sat by the river for a bit, then walked along the river towards London Bridge and went for some coffee and sat and read my book.  London is still busy.

I walked along the river and to the library where I wanted to get a book on life drawing.  They did not have any, such a disappointment.  I found an Oxfam bookshop recently by the British Museum so will have to go back up there to have a look and see if I can pick one up.  Made my way back home and Andy had some of his friends over to play a new game he has purchased. So I went to my room to give them some privacy.  I started reading my book and what a great book it is too.  My Dad used to say 'you are never lonely if you read a book' how true was this.

As always, with my love x