You were there in the turnstiles With the wind at your heels You stretched for the stars And you know how it feels - The Whole of The Moon - The Waterboys

We all have a song, our song.  This is my song. It makes me smile and it makes me cry and the words are so dear to my heart for numerous reasons.  Mike Scott, who wrote the song, apparently wrote it because he wanted to acknowledge those people who had inspired him or who had touched his life in someway.  I guess, therefore, it is ironic that I have chosen this song, my song as the last song for this blog.

I started writing when I went to Australia and then when I moved to London, some of you asked if I would blog. I decided, that even though I have never really felt comfortable writing about myself, I would do so that in case, just in case, one day my daughter would want to read about my life and fill in the gaps.

During this time many of you have left me and I know the only people I will hear about this decision are Ian and Sarah - thank you. This will be my 7th Christmas on my own and whilst that is not fine, I feel differently about the whole thing this year. I have my Christmas back and even have a tree this year. I will not be blogging again. It has been quite an easy decision really. During this time I have had friends who have found themselves single, then in a relationship, then pregnant.  I have friends who were single and are now in a full time relationship.  I have other friends who have left their partners and moved on. I have friends who have died. I have friends who have moved away and started a new life the other side of the world.  I have friends who have and continue to, fight illness and I have friends who I thought were friends yet never hear from again.  Life moves on. I need to move on. Not sure where I am going, but hey, I haven't felt grounded or safe anywhere since 2011. So nothing new.

I am sure if anyone wants to keep in touch with me or find me you can do so. We live in an instantaneous world. If Megan wants to find me, she will. She is bright, of course she is she is my daughter. However, until we all meet again, and I have to believe that I will meet Megan again because if I did not there would be no point in continuing day in day out, I wish you all that you wish for yourself. I wish you good health, much happiness, laughter and above all else I wish you love.

Thank you for walking part of this journey with me.

As always, with my love x

I pictured a rainbow
You held it in your hands
I had flashes
But you saw the plan
I wandered out in the world for years
While you just stayed in your room
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon

Hmm, you were there in the turnstiles, with the wind at your heels
You stretched for the stars and you know how it feels to reach too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon
I was grounded
While you filled the skies
I was dumbfounded by truth
You cut through lies
I saw the rain dirty valley
You saw Brigadoon
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon

I spoke about wings
You just flew
I wondered, I guessed and I tried
You just knew
I sighed
But you swooned, I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon

(The whole of the moond) with a torch in your pocket and the wind at your heels
You climbed on the ladder and you know how it feels to get too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon
The whole of the moon, hey yeah!

Unicorns and cannonballs, palaces and piers
Trumpets, towers and tenements
Wide oceans full of tears
Flags, rags ferryboats
Scimitars and scarves
Every precious dream and vision
Underneath the stars, yes, you climbed on the ladder
With the wind in your sails
You came like a comet
Blazing your trail too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon

All Around The World, you've gotta spread the word Tell 'em what you heard You're gonna make a better day All Around The World, you've gotta spread the word Tell 'em what you heard You know it's gonna be okay (All Around The World - Oasis)

Is it going to be OK? I have been saying this for the past six years and life takes its toll. Christmas is looming (again) and as much as I have done so much; I feel as if I have achieved so little.  I will let Noel do his thing.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  An incredibly busy day today. Early start as delivery training all day then straight up to Russell Square for University. However, I was awake from

Again maybe?

4.30 am with my head racing. Also, the boiler chose the most coldest day of the year to decide not to work and the flat and water were freezing. The training was OK and then I had to rush to catch a bus up to Russell Square as I had to collect a book from the library, then a coffee then off to my seminar.  This will be the last one before New Zealand and tonight my lecturer told us all what she expected for our essay proposal.  The lecture was interesting and I am on the right track for my essay so at least that is OK. Finally, got home at 10.30pm absolutely exhausted.

Tuesday:  In the office for most to the day, sitting in meetings wishing I was somewhere else. Not sure where, but not there.  Went home and did nothing and was in bed by 8.00pm. I decided I would get comfy and watch Holby City in the warmth of my lovely bed.  I did not see it, I fell asleep.  I am not surprised. I have had a headache since Sunday night and can't seem to shift it.

Wednesday:  Working from home today, so no commute, no need for make up or hair wash.  Really busy (of course I am) and managed, by the end of the day

to get it all done.  I want to be on top of it before I travel as goodness knows what I am coming back too.  Not the best of weeks, I think Sunday's news is still having an impact.

Thursday:  This year has not been the best of years, for numerous reasons and this week is shaping up to be a right treat!  Received a text message that gave me no surprises whatsoever, yet left me feeling deflated. Followed a few hours later by another text message which just made me feel, well let's leave it there. I wish I could get on that bloody plane now on a one way ticket!

Friday:  Right on queue today we have the launch the John Lewis Christmas Advert. Thank you for that!  Each year I love it/dread it and this year is no exception. The song is a cover by Elbow, one of my favourite bands and it is emotionally challenging.  I sobbed then sobbed a bit more. I was hoping to be on a plane away from all this madness before it started this year. So much for that idea.  Flat cleaned, bedding washed ironed and put away, final bits put together. Sigh.  

Saturday:  Busy day, usual start and was very happy with the result. Then off to have nails done.  Takes so long and I can just about manage to sit there waiting for them to dry.  Caught the bus up to Waterloo.  I wanted to to go Tottenham Court Road but the bus was terminated at Waterloo as the bridge was closed.  Don't know why.  I think it was something to do with the Lord Mayor's firework display.  Met up with Andy and we went to see Young Frankenstein.  It was the stage production of the Mel Brooke's film and we were not disappointed.  It was so funny and I laughed out loud literally.  My favourite bit in was the same as the film 'Putting on the Ritz' really funny and I would definitely recommend it.

Terrible nights sleep but I guess it does not matter as my sleep pattern is about to go out of the window.  If you want to read about my New Zealand adventure you will find it at:

https://karensayskiaora.blogspot.co.uk

'Normal' blogging service will restart in December.  So if you are going to follow me I shall see you in the Southern Hemisphere.

As always, with my love x

Get around round round I get around From town to town Get around round round I get around I'm a real cool head Get around round round I get around I'm makin' real good bread Get around round round I get around I get around Round (I Get Around - The Beach Boys)

The sound of summer.  I wish.  You know when you hear the Beach Boys that you should be wearing your shades and soaking up the sun.  Unfortunately, I am not (but it wont be long). As always enjoy.

Saturday:  Here we are again another Saturday and off I trotted to fat club on my own. Happy with the result and I am doing well.  Back home and the best meal of the week, just for one this week.  I was trying to sum up the energy to go out. A wet, grey, duvet day in London and I was heading west. I am useless these days, I really am.   I had to correct, again, a woman in Marks & Spencer's who obviously thought I should be jolly well married off by now and bestowed

the title of Mrs on me (yes I know again, think how I feel). Needless to say, I put her right in no uncertain terms. Heteronormativity. Assumptions. Sigh. So because of all this, I forgot what I went up there for i.e. a gift voucher and also some Australian Dollars! Grrrrrrrr.  Selfridge's window is starting to take shape and it even felt a bit like Christmas.

Had a terrible headache this evening and found it hard to shift.  Watched A Fish called Wanda.  I did see it when it first come out all those years ago, but had quite forgotten about it.  It was funny. Ended the evening by mixing some tunes on iTunes so at least I will have some music for my travels.

Sunday:  Cold but sunny. Heard from the Kiwi, usual nonsense .... not ready to date, yada, yada, yada. Which means I will bump into him in Wellington. All

good, I had a great evening last Saturday so all is good.  Nipped to the shops, not much this week obviously as not going to be around much.  Then Andy and I went to the pictures to see Murder on the Orient Express ..... the new one obviously.

It was OK, nothing brilliant.  We both did not care for Kenneth Branagh as Poirot. In fact the film seemed to be all about him and not the other 12 characters. It was a shame as the 1974 version, in my opinion, was great. This one wast lost, it all seemed very fragmented. But it wasted away a cold Sunday afternoon in London.

Back home and I had some devastating news. A person I know, well who I kind of collected, had been tragically killed in a car crash in Europe.  Terrible news, she was only 41. It made me feel quite sad to be honest then angry. Life can seem terribly unfair an unjust at times. We are all very fragile and none of us know when it is our time. I think of the years Megan has wasted. Neither of us will get these years back.  It is just a bloody waste.  Early night I think.

As always, with my love x

The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive Everybody's out on the run tonight but there's no place left to hide (Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen)

I love this song; not that I ever run anywhere.  I do not even run for the bus these days as there is always another one in a few minutes. Classic song and one of those artists who I really like, yet never have seen.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  Early start, busy day.  In a meeting all day with my colleagues. It went very well.  On the bus and up to Russell Square.  One of my friends said to me over the weekend they don't know where I get my energy from; I haven't a clue, I have to just get on with it.  University was brilliant this evening; my passion and also the one lecture that relates to my first essay.  Sexology.  I will part that there and let you draw your own conclusions.

Home on the bus and it was quite cold and I was glad to get home as I had been out of the house for just over 12 hours.

Tuesday:  Working from home today which is fine as I have so much to do.  Made some delicious roasted pepper soup for lunch and managed to clear a great deal of work done but still no focus on New Zealand (I can hear that clock ticking.  I used to be organised in past life and now I can't even think about being organised.

Wednesday:  Working done and dusted and I was off out.  I went to the Wellcome Library in Euston. It was part of my university work that I had to go.  I have been to the Wellcome Centre before but not to use the library. What a

little treat this place is. You can join, free for five years.  I needed to look at two books relating to birth control prior to the 1950's.  My books were from the 1930's and 1940's.  It was strange, holding those books in my hand, reading about birth control choices (not many and still not many) thinking how things have progressed in such a short time.  Amazing and such a privilege. Back home and it was time to do ....... nothing.  I have to pinch myself still that I can get on a bus and get to places like the Wellcome Library and that this is still my playground.  How lucky am I? Actually started to pack today.  Well I got my passport out of the drawer!

Thursday:  Busy morning (working from home) and numerous phone calls.  There is so much I should be doing and just cannot drum up the enthusiasm or energy to do it.  I will get my arse in gear on Saturday;  I promise.

This evening I went to Goldsmiths University in New Cross.  I have never been here before and remember it as a child as it was en route to London when we used to come up here on the coach as a child.  Fond memories. 

Friday:  Friday.  Thank goodness.  Andy is away this evening and I am home alone.  I cracked on with my degree work. Bibliography compiled and a good

part of the essay proposal done; I really think I can start looking forward to my holiday.  Almost.

Finally put all my books and papers away and snuggled down for the evening. Quite a busy day tomorrow as I need to go up Oxford Street to actually collect my currency (it may help to actually have some money on me I thought). Not looking forward to it as the weather forecast is rain.  Of course it is.

As always, with my love x

Rain whistle blowing makes a sleepy noise Underneath their blankets go all the girls and boys Rocking rolling riding out along the bay All bound for Morningtown many miles away Driver at the engine fireman rings the bell Sand man swings the lantern to show that all is well (Morning Town - The Seekers

I used to sing this song to my Megan when she was small (obviously), fond memories that make me smile and make me sad.  However, memories all the same.  As always, enjoy.

Saturday:  You know the routine. All OK, not brilliant, who knows why because I have been 100%, but a loss is a loss.  Home and fed and today is my volunteering day.  I love this so much.  Got to Soho and spent two hours spreading my sparkle (and condoms). I met some lovely people, stroked a gorgeous beard and had a lovely hug from my Italian barber.  It is official, I am now living with the Beautiful People (Google Beautiful People TV series).

Said my goodbyes as I will not see the boys for a month and made my way down to Picturehouse Central.  It was date time.  I met up with the Kiwi (the guy from last week) and we had a coffee then went to the Curzon to see The Death of Stalin that is directed by Armando Iannucci who in my opinion can do no wrong.  It was so funny and me being funny kept getting a fit of the giggles. I really good film; humour but very funny.

So it was time to eat.  Now what some of you may not know about me is I have a 'fear' of about eating in front of people.  Never used to have this, God only knows where it has come from and Ian, I have done so well when we go out to eat and feel very comfortable with you now. But this is date time.  The Kiwi (who obviously has a name but will remain anonymous for now) suggested Peruvian.  All I know from Peru is Paddington and marmalade sandwiches!  Needless to say, this is not what he had in mind. I have walked passed this Peruvian restaurant countless times in Soho and never noticed. It looked amazing; such a lovely atmosphere, but alas, no tables.

We then decided to have a wander around and see what we can find.  The next part really could be a scene in the next Bridget Jones film.  You have been warned.  Remember, eating in front of people.  So we find a Japanese restaurant. How cool is that. It was stunningly beautiful and we rocked up and were given a table.  The waitress come up and gave us both an iPad each which displayed the menu, along with photos. Ian, you know give me a menu and I take ages; give me an iPad and I a hopeless. I scrolled and looked. The photos were absolutely amazing, I was blown away and it all looked amazing. Then the stark reality sunk in.  Not only would I be eating in front of the said Kiwi but I would be eating with chopsticks!

In the end I delegated the responsibility to him to order and it transpires we should have added our choices to favourites.  It is a good job I did not as I wanted to add everything I liked the look of!  He ordered a selection of food then the waiter come over to take drinks orders.  He had a Japanese beer and there were two Belgium beers to chose.  The girl did well and said I would have the blonde beer!  Yay, go me.  The next thing to happen was another waiter come over with a jug and a pipette with the soy sauce.  The food that followed was absolutely amazing. I think this was the best food I have had in London. The dishes were works of art, totally stunning. It was one of those meals that I did not want to end.  I surprised myself and did so well with the chopsticks.  But I did feel totally relaxed and at ease.  We chatting a great deal about New Zealand and what there is there to see and eat.  The food kept coming. We had a selection of sushi then I had an amazing dish of scallops and truffle oil. We shared our food and had a taste of each other dishes. It really was a lovely meal.

We then went to get some gin. However, everywhere was so busy for Halloween and you know me, I do not like masks, However, most of the costumes were very low key.  The Kiwi was telling me about a place called the Arts Club but they wanted £10 each to get in so we decided to find a pub.  He then looked an found a gin bar, but when we got there it was closed!  As we were looking on the phone a guy walked by and asked if we were lost, we explained that we were looking for somewhere to go and it turned out he was the DJ at the Arts Club, of course he was, why are you surprised.  I said to the Kiwi, he would get used to this as this kind of thing always happens around me, as you all know. He said he would tell the doorman our names and we could get in for free.

We wandered around a while and could not find anywhere else to go so went back to the Arts Club. The Kiwi said are you really going to ask.  Of course I was. Needless to say the doorman knew of Chris but still wanted £10 each to get in.  I said to him please tell Chris that we will not be seeing him tonight but thank you. We finally found another pub, just before last orders and had more gin! I had such a lovely evening, good company, good food and good times.

Caught the night bus home which is always an experience in London and tonight was not a disappointment.  I could not see the guys but there were two behind me, very drunk, but very amusing and they were chatting to two women.  It soon become apparent that the two guys were a couple and one in particular was so funny.  He kept saying he wanted a kebab. He then asked one of the women what was she having when she got in and she replied 'oh just a cup of tea, with PG tips'.  The guy then said, very loudly ' PG tips, PG tips! I have you know, I am a homosexual and it is nothing but Yorkshire Gold for me!' I tried not laugh but I guess it summed up the day.  Lovely, new memories.

Sunday:  Clocks have gone back and I did not want to wake up. So tired. Lazy morning telling Andy about my lovely day then showered and dressed ready to go out ............. again! Different day, different man, different film. It was like Groundhog Day as I was back up in Soho.  This afternoon we went to see the new Thor film: Ragnorok. It was really good.  Completely different to yesterday but equally a good and this one was very more pleasing to my eye with either Idis Elba, Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston and Mark Ruffouoe. Choices, choices, choices. It is a really good song and an excellent soundtrack featuring Led Zeppelin and song that was realised in 1970 way, way, way before they were born.  Feeling rather old and depressed now. Sigh!

Back home, dinner cooked and consumed, bag packed for university tomorrow and time to kick back and catch up on life laundry.

It has been a crazy few days.

As always, with my love x

No stop signs, speed limit Nobody's gonna slow me down Like a wheel, gonna spin it Nobody's gonna mess me around (Highway to Hell - ACDC)

Well as there is an Antipodean theme going on here and with the sad news of George Young, I thought we could have an ACDC song. So a classic, you will know it, doesn't mean you will like it.  I love it.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  Strange things are happening again.  Any of you who know me will know this is nothing new.  In fact, I was telling the Kiwi yesterday about the strange things that happen around me.  He did not run for the hills. So yesterday he was mentioning a play he wants to see in the west end, I had not heard of it. He said it was a film as well (films and stuff are his 'thing' and I use that statement very loosely).  So there I am reading my books and next week's reading and the play, well the book of the play of the film, is mentioned in my reading!  I could to believe it.  After a bit of Googling and checking, it is the original version of the play (the one that is mentioned in my book). Then, almost the same time, they mention on the news that George Young, the guy I blogged about last week, the brother of Angus and Malcolm Young of ACDC has died!  I swear, I would have been burnt at the stake if I were around in medieval days!  Weird things my friends, weird things.

So University tonight.  I still get so much joy getting on the 188 to Russell Square and had one of those pinch yourself moments to tell you that hey, yes this is real.  Lecture was very good and it is such a lovely moment when you are taught by an author whose books you have and have read.  Amazing. I do think that finally, things are starting to make a little bit of sense.

Tuesday:  The good thing about living in a time bubble is that you fail to remember what is really going on in the real world.  I have just realised that it is this weekend we put the clocks back.  Summer will be well and truly over. It is very grey and autumnal in London today. I had to make a visit to the darkest depths of South East London which, as usual, resulted in me being on numerous buses for hours!

Back home, via the shop (again) and time to kick back and watch Bake Off.  I know, I lead such an exciting life.

Wednesday:  Working from home all day today which is a blessing and a curse.   I always start work far too early and finish late.  However, I was more disciplined today and got loads done.  A productive day.  Also, the new cooker arrived (such excitement) and very nice it looks too.  It is such beautiful day today, it is more like spring than autumn, and typically I am stuck indoors all day.

So I guess it was all going well.  I rang to register the cooker with Zanussi and got an over familiar bloke on the phone.  I told him I was at work so could we please move things along.  He then asked me if I would rather be called Karen or Mrs Guile.  That was it.  At this point you have to feel sorry for 'Ben'. I told him that I did not want to be addressed as either thank you and why did he 'assume' I would be a Mrs.  He did not have a clue what I was on about. I said I could be a Dr or a Prof, or a Rev; still nothing. He said he had not assumed, so when I said why did you not ask and pushed him further, he put the phone down on me.  Note to you all: never, ever, put the phone down on me.  I called back and asked to speak to a Team Leader and spoke to a lovely guy called Yusef. I told him the tale, he really did not get it until I broke it down into small pieces as in, this will never happen to you because you are a man.  Men do not get labeled this way as the only title they can have is Mr (or Prof, Rev etc) however, their marital, or single status is not defined by their title.  The top and bottom of it is, I have insisted on some diversity training for their staff, and they are going to trace the original call and get back to me in 48 hours.  We shall see.  It is not because I want to get anyone into any trouble, far from it, I want to educate them.  However, I cannot believe I am still having to challenge this 'shit' after all these years. Sigh.

Thursday:  Interesting and productive day.  I spent the evening at a seminar at University it was very interesting.  It was about inequality and women in prisons within the USA.  It took me back and was very informative.  I also got a great

deal of reading done today too, so it is all coming along nicely.

Back home, catch up with Andy and unfortunately his evening had not gone as well as mine then it as time to sleep.

Friday:  Worked this morning and then I had some TOIL to take this afternoon. Andy was on annual leave so went to the market to do some food shopping and then back home for a couple of free hours.  

Tonight Andy and I had free tickets to go and see The Last Leg being filmed. I love this programme.  We had to queue for ages and the people behind us were vile. Four young people who were just loud, rude, racists and well damn right awful.  When it was time to go in, we were given wrist bands and I said to the lovely guy handing them out, 'will they be in numeric order as the people behind us are vile'.  He said 'oh no don't you want to be near them' to which I promptly replied 'No'. So he gave us purple wrist bands.  We did wonder why. The others went in then us and well, there we were on the front row! Yay! 

It was a brilliant evening.  The delicious Russell Brand was on the show, which was an added bonus.  It was obvious we were being filmed as there was a bloody great camera in my face!  Then they had sumo wrestlers on the show and just before the break, one landed in my lap.  I have not seen the show yet but when one of our friends posts 'get that man off your lap' I think we can safely say it went out.  So much for keeping a low profile.  My FB feed went mad and so many people had seen us.  It was a great experience and the fact that I love that show anyway, was great.  No that would never have happened in Stoke.

As always, with my love x

Maximum temperature of 90 degrees Fahrenheit. The sky is blue And the palm trees are really cool. Captain Willcock and his Crew hope you have had a pleasant flight (Barbados - Typically Tropical)

I bet many of you will remember this song.  You wont want too; but you will.  It is OK you don't have to confess to me, just enjoy.

Saturday:  Usual start to our Saturday mornings.  Off to 'fat club'.  We could not stay this week as Andy was going out and I had places to go.  However, we are both VERY happy this week with our progress and I can really see it with him how much weight he has lost.  Not so with me, but I do have more to lose.  That aside, I bet when I see people who I have not seen for a long time, they will notice something different.  Back home, cooked breakfast (the best meal of the week) and then a few hours to kill before I had to go out.  Too much time to do nothing and not enough time to do anything!

I had to go to Deptford to check something out, then off for the obligatory two bags of shopping. I had no choice, I had absolutely nothing in the fridge to eat. I really should be as fit as a flea as carried three heavy bags of shopping up the 48 stairs to the flat.  It was then time to start getting my head around my University stuff.  I made huge progress (I think) and have kind of reference list for my first essay.  Still no idea how to construct said essay but it's a start.  

Quiet night watching a film which was appalling but funny.  Well it wasn't supposed to be but it was fun pulling it apart, but two hours of my life I will not get back.

Sunday:  Early start as I have a date today!  Yes you did read the right and your cannot reach Goddess status in ten minutes unless you are a bloke which means ten minutes before your date you close down the laptop, change your t shirt and spray yourself with some after shave.  Just saying boys.  Beautiful bright, but cold Sunday morning in London and I had to meet the poor, unsuspecting victim at Hampstead.  Now Hampstead is a very lovely part of town and we were meeting for brunch.

Date went really, really well.  He is a very interesting person but once again the Universe has amazed me.  He is from New Zealand, from Wellington (of course he is), very, very interesting career and life and oh yes, will be in Wellington when I am there too as he has to go home for some personal family time.  Only I could end up getting date that starts in London and then meets up in Wellington.  Amazing.  Well let us hope it happens first of all, but I think it will as there is talk of meeting up again to go to the theatre or to see a film. We shall see.

Back home, soup made and chores to do; life continues.  An interesting weekend and now back to 'normality' or whatever that is.

As always, with my love x

Wonder why it's getting cold at night I must be getting old Looks like I'm gonna have to wait a while What the hell, I'm bored (Waiting for a Train - Flash And The Pan)

So you all know I love a bit of ACDC but I bet you did not know that Malcolm and Angus Young eldest brother, George.  A completely different sound to his brothers work, but for me, I like it.  So as always, enjoy.

Monday:  No work! Yay a day off and such a treat.  However, London was very weird. I had a meeting with my tutor at 2.30pm and it went well.  I am still confused and know I put too much pressure on myself. However, it does look as if I have my dissertation topic sorted, which is great but does not really help me work out my essay question ..... sigh.  I can hear the clock ticking and can't even think of New Zealand yet.

I come out of her offices and it was like walking into the end of the world. The sky was brown. It was like a film.  Apparently, it is something to do with a storm and the fires in Portugal and sand from the Sahara.  I looked over to Senate House and it would have been a perfect screen set for an alien spacecraft to land on top of it.  All the students were coming out to take photos.  It really was quite weird and there were numerous pictures posted on social media about it all.

Lecture was brilliant.  I really enjoyed it and actually got speaking to some other students too, which was really good. I come out feeling quite positive (but knowing it won't last).  

Tuesday:  I was being tested today. Train delays, strange places and just a rotten day.  Work done and dusted it was time to read.  I still do not understand all that I am reading but keep telling myself that it will all come clear; unlike the sky which was dark as dishwater again. It really is quite weird.

Watched the George Michael documentary this evening. It was very good but very sad.  He was such a good man, generous and a many of integrity and I still cannot believe he is no longer hear. I did so well until the last song which is very personal to me and that was that, down come the tears.  Dear sweet George x

Wednesday:  It never ceases to amaze me how people think they can just speak to you however they want, when let's face it, all I am trying to do is help them.  5.00pm sharp, phone and laptop off and feet up and more reading (nope still not making sense) and totally checked out of work!

I have had to explain to Andy tonight about having pampas grass growing in your front garden (this is not a euphemism ;) ) For those of you who do not know, back in the 1970s people grew papas grass in the front garden if they were swingers as it gave a stealth like indication of what went on there!  So funny and I had totally forgotten this, probably, urban myth until I noticed pampas grass grown in our front garden this evening. I did chuckle.

Thursday:  Meh day work wise but finally getting my head around my essay (Praise the Lord I hear you cry).  I wander around South East London with books on homosexuality, feminism and queer theory.  Never a dull moment.  I was so tired tonight.  In fact I was falling asleep watching TV. Now this is not a bad thing as I never sleep much these days.  I went to my room at 9.00pm and was safe in the arms of Orpheus (who is not a date from Tinder) once again.

Friday: Out and about all day today - my two favourite places (NOT):  Lewisham and Peckham.  I had an 'incident' on the 136 bus.  It has been a long time coming. I got on the bus with three heavy bags and there was a woman sitting on the aisle seat.  I said to her 'excuse me please' and she gave me the most filthy look and just shuffled in her seat (she had no intention of moving). I looked at her and said 'really'.  She did not move and I subsequently knocked my bags into her trying to get to my seat.  She then started to push my feet over to my side of the floor. Sigh. Revenge was sweet.  I got out my new book:  Foucault and the History of Sexuality Part 1 - it's like the George Michael song I Want Your Sex Part 1. I also started 'hacking' as I know this always go down well.

When it was time to get off I leant across her, saying excuse me, and rang the bell.  I then said again 'excuse me please'.  She looked at me, again with a filthy look and said 'when the bus stops!'.  I looked, one of my 'you have chosen the wrong day to piss me off looks' and said to her, smiling sweetly 'you really are treat aren't you?'.  She looked and stood up (she could not believe it).  I walked by and said 'thank you' as I walked passed her and then I said 'and I hope your day improves for you as either that or your attitude needs to change' and got off the bus.  She was older than me and there really is no excuse to be bloody rude at all.

I went to the library to work for a bit then on to my final appointment of the day and then home! Yay!  So another week done and another week nearer to my trip, which I still have not done a thing about!  C'est la vie!

As always, enjoy x

'Cause they took the keys - and she'll think it's me And I'm down in the tube station at midnight The wine will be flat and the curry's gone cold I'm down in the tube station at midnight Don't want to go down in a tube station at midnight (Down In A Tube Station At Midnight - The Jam

I have never blogged a Jam song before, but thought this one was quite fitting.  As always, enjoy.

Saturday:  Usual start to the day.  We called in East Street Market on the way home and I brought some cockles. It took me back to being a child as Sundays were always a trip to the seafood man, who had a stall outside of local pub.  Then when I got older, the seafood man would call in the pubs, with his huge wicker basket selling cockles, mussels, eel, prawns crab, the lot. Andy did not have a clue what I was on about and seeing the stall in the market brought it all back to me.  I purchased half a pint of cockles and we had them late on in the evening.  Andy had never had them before, and kind of liked them.  I love them a bit of vinegar and pepper and I was away.  Would never have got them in the same way in Stoke.

So later on in the afternoon I went to do my volunteering role. I really enjoy doing this, I get such a lot out of it and feel as if I am doing something worthwhile. However, today it was a bit upsetting a we had some terrible news. I guess it is inevitable when working with people in this field.  It just brings it all back home to you how fragile we all are.

Back home and dinner done and dusted, time again to kick back. I watched Pride tonight. I love that film, it makes me laugh and cry all at the same time. I am old enough to remember people dying from HIV and the prejudice they, and still do, suffer from the ignorance of others.  I have to smile as the bookshop in the film, Gay's the word, is now just down the road from my college and stocks all the books I need for my course. Funny how we go on these little adventure or these adventures follow us.

Sunday:  Started the day off by watching one of my Scandinavian Noir programmes, this one was Beck, my favourite.  It is amazing how many people get killed in Sweden.  Had some non-uni paperwork to do this morning but it is OK I am up to date with my reading. 

This evening it was part of my birthday treat.  We went to Hackney Wick (near to the Olympic Stadium and other ghosts from Christmases past) to a fringe theatre to see 'Naked Men Reading' and it was very much what it said it was on the tin.  Needless to say, there were not many women in the audience but that is very much my life these days and the 'boys' were lovely.  I got chatting to one of them who had delivered a reading and he was so lovely. At least I got a hug and kiss from a naked young man.  Andy said he swears if he comes home and I have one of the 'boy's sitting in the lounge reading Foucault or a feminist theorist such as Judith Butler to me, he will go loose it.  Personally, it sounded ideally to me :). It was such a fun evening, much laughter and very, very, to the point but I am comfortable with that.  However, I did find myself going through my friendship list thinking who else would fee comfortable with this and could only think of one person.  So funny. We were both tired so straight to our rooms.  We are off work tomorrow a we thought it would be a good idea to not have to rush round.  Such a good move and such a good weekend.

As always, with my love x

So many destination faces going to so many places Where the weather is much better And the food is so much cheaper. Well I help her with her baggage for her baggage is so heavy (Airport - The Motors)

This was not the planned song for this week, but I heard it on the radio this morning and thought, why not.  I true blast from the past.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  Busy day at work and it was soon 4.00pm time to pack up and get the bus up to Russell Square.  I had so much to carry.  Anytime you see me now I will have a bag full of books!  Spent some time in the library and got a lot done. Then off to the lecture.  It was very interesting.  Not sure still of my peers but we had to work in groups and I was very quiet (yes I can do quiet) as I rather wait and see and figure out the situation.  It was very interesting and it kind of made all that bloody reading worthwhile and making some sort of sense.

Tuesday:  In the office today for a meeting.  I rarely go in these days but it was OK.  Had a lovely lunch with one of my colleagues and we spent the time having a good old catch up and a giggle.  I walked there and also walked home, calling into the large Tesco near us and stocked up on all my Quorn sausages - don't I live the high life.

Back home and work done and dusted I spent some time reading (there is a surprise) but had a headache.  But still managed to get two hours reading done.  I think I will be all read out in two years time.  Lovely dinner and time to relax oh and breath.  It is all good.

Wednesday:  Suffering the delight of being outside most of the morning, with the wind, rain, alcoholics and drug users. Just a normal day. Back home and work done, time to study and I am ready a piece by Cicely Hamilton 'Marriage as a Trade and it is priceless.  She wrote the book in 1909 and it could so true even now.  I was laughing out load at some point but she made some valued points about how women, or more importantly, how men, rely on a wife to make them whole, where women can just get on with it but they are now conditioned to be married.  Anyway, don't start me off, you have two years of this.

Thursday:  Strange day today, work wise, but all done and dusted and then had my hair done tonight. It needed it.  I really will have to save more money (goodness knows from where) to have it done more often.  I am looking for an evening job one night a week. I did this before when I was on my own, I used to babysit for a woman and I earned enough each week to help me out.  If I could find something like this here, I would be very happy. Not ideal I know, but means to an end.  I earn enough, just, to manage but an extra bit each month really would come in handy.  I never thought I would find myself in this position this late in life.  People really do have a great deal to answer for.

Friday:  Yet another busy day work wise then later in the afternoon I went up to Bloomsbury to University.  Plenty of eye contact there to amuse me, along with queer and feminist theory.  I spread all my books out on the desk and men, being the shallow creatures they are, saw the word sex as in sexuality and were taken in. Sigh.  Oh well, productive afternoon.  Back home and three trips to the theatre booked.  Two with Andy and one on my own just a day before Christmas. It will give me something to do when the rest of the world are running around spending money they don't have, eating stuff they should not be eating and arguing with the people they love the most.  Don't you just love the Christmas spirit.

As always, with my love x

We'll do it all Everything On our own We don't need Anything Or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? (Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol)

This is a beautiful song.  My Meg played this on her clarinet for my friend's wedding.  She played it as they walked up the aisle, so it has fond and sad memories as it was before the start of all the heartache.  Yet, this is still a wonderful song.  As always, enjoy.

Saturday:  You know the routine now. Up, showered and off to Fat Club.  All going very, very well and we are both so pleased with ourselves and each other. Home, fed and off to the shops for our weekly shopping.  I am saving loads of money.  

I am getting stressed now about tomorrow.  I won't mention tomorrow yet as that is only going to add to how I am feeling. Shopping done and it was time to have some quiet time, just chilling.

Sunday:  Difficult day today.  I returned to Staffordshire.  I went to meet a dear friend who was a Lecturer at the University and used to teach my subject. It was a big decision to make. I always said I would not be able to return to Stoke. So I didn't.  I went to Stafford.  By the time I got to Lichfield the memories, some good, some not so good, started to flood back.  I used to work at Lichfield. I could feel myself getting very anxious by the time the train rolled into Stafford.  My friend was there to met me and we decided to go to Stone. Stone is around 8 miles away from Stoke.  That was near enough.

Now Stone is normally a small town, where not much happens.  But of course not, not today.  It was their Food Festival and the place was so busy.  I cannot

deny, I was very anxious.  We found a little bistro type bar and stayed there. I did have to smile as I paid for the lunch (much to my friend's annoyance) and it was so cheap.  I thought, 'Ah I remember the north now'.  It was OK. We laughed and chatted away and the time soon flew by.

We returned to her car and a grabbed a suitcase full of books which will be of great use to my course I am sure. I decided to get the train from Stone saving my friend driving all the way back to Stafford.  Good job I did, it was so busy. The journey home was long but hey, I did it.  Would I like to do it again? Not for a while.  I got off the tube and was back in my noisy, dirty, diverse, lively, chaotic neighbourhood ....... I was home.  All the while travelling there I could feel the life being suck out of me; as soon as I was home I felt alive. London really does give me life.

As always, with my love x

So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go (Leaving on a Jet Plane - John Denver)

This month I am going to do something different. I am going to focus on travel songs.  This will come apparent by the end of the month (which may be extended).  This song reminds me of my dear friend Steve as they played this at his funeral.  It really touched a nerve for me as I was due to move to London a few weeks later.  So as always, enjoy!

Monday:  So today it starts. I am officially a student.  The course I used to dream of studying is now coming true.  I am starting my Master's degree. I was nervous but excited to meet my peers.  I was not disappointed; they are a colourful bunch.  Needless to say, I am probably the oldest.  I loved it.  I was like a little sponge, soaking it all up.  It is going to be hard work, so much reading, but that means so much learning. I intend soaking up every little bit of it.

Tuesday:  This evening Andy and I went to the Festival Hall on the Southbank to see Marc Almond.  We waited in the foyer and watched people and we were not disappointed.  I could see my whole two years studying and dissertation

rolling out in front of me. Marc Almond was absolutely fantastic. He has such a good voice and sung for 2.5 hours - song after song after song.  He also sung my favourite song Jackie and for just a few moments I was a diva, I was Jackie! A wonderful evening and fond memories.

Wednesday:  Busy day followed by reading course material.  Finally, time to kick back and we watched all the trashy TV we have missed.  It is funny, well not funny, tragic really how television can play out your life.  I wished someone had warned me about the ending of Dr Foster.  It was far too near real life for my liking.  Oh well, onwards and upwards.

Watched The Apprentice, I don't know why.  They are a bunch of people who need a good shake.  I would hate to be driven totally by money.  When will people learn that making loads of money is not the be all and end all of everything.  Some of the most priceless experiences in life are those you cannot buy.

Thursday:  It is getting cold.  I was cold last night and the winter duvet will be going on this weekend and I feel the heating will be going on too this evening. The heavens opened this morning then followed by a bright, sunny day. Crazy weather.  Quiet day, but all is well.

Friday:  Sad day today as a dear work colleague, who works at one of the hospitals left today.  It is such a shame as she and her other colleague, have always made me feel so welcome.  But this is a good move for her and she will do well; even though I will be sad to see her go.  But life has taught me that people come into your life for one, two or fifty seasons then they leave. I guess it is all part of the journey.  So let's have the weekend.

As always, with my love x

It was all so cozy for you You had a wife, two children And a beautiful house And me, well you wanted me (A Lover Spurned - Marc Almond)

Well another month, and artist has been and gone.  I know, it scares me too. So I will leave you with this final track from Marc Almond.  As always, enjoy.

Saturday:  Weigh in and we did well.  Andy has been away organising a conference for the past few days and was worried about how he had done.  He had nothing to worry about and once again, we are within a pound of each for our total weight loss.  We are doing well.

Caught my favourite 188 bus up to Russell Square for Orientation Day at my college.  I was a tad disappointed that no one gave me a Pot Noodle or some condoms, but instead I come away with two tote bags and pens.  It was really interesting, I sat in on some lectures about the library, IT, critical thinking and studying at post graduate level.  All really interesting and really worth my whole going.  I also did a recce on where I need to be for my first seminar on Monday. All very exciting but still terrifying.

Back home and shopping done, time to chill out.

Sunday:  I treated myself to a quiet morning then studied from 11.00am until 4.00pm and confusing myself in the process.  This is good.  The fact that I am questioning my thoughts and the thoughts of others is a positive thing; even though it ties me up in complete knots.  I packed my bag already for college tomorrow night and I must admit, I am a bit scared but I am also looking forward to meeting my peers.

After all that reading, and boy there is a lot of reading, it was time to sit back and chill.  We cooked a curry for our dinner and lovely it was too.

So starts another chapter in my life. It is going to be hard work but I am not adverse to that and it will all be worth it in the end.

As always, with my love x