You'd think I could learn How to tell you goodbye 'Cause you don't bring me flowers Anymore (You Don't Bring Me Flowers - Neil Diamond)

Such a haunting song of lost love. It has not been the best of weeks for me and I really could do with a rest now. It has been almost six years of struggling. I think I will go out tomorrow and spend my last few pounds of this month on some beautiful flowers. I love flowers.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  Again.  Terrible news today.  Trust me when I say there is no longer any NHS dental care.  I need to have some root canal work redone.  There is no provision for this on the NHS and you have to go private.  I have researched this, speaking to people across the country and the story is very much the same. Since the government renewed dentist's NHS contracts a few years ago they do not do this work on the NHS but send it out to specialists in this field. I had my last RCT done ten years go in the North and my dentist, at the time, was the head dentist in the practice.  I guess I was lucky then as I had it done on the NHS.  This time it is different. I have been referred to a dental practice in Harley Street. Yes you did read that right and this treatment is going to cost me more than my friend's new boiler for her home. It is going to cost my the entire budget for next year's travel plans, it is going to cost me a hell of a lot, and I mean a hell of a lot of money.  The alternatives: just have the tooth removed and have a gap there. Not an option. Have the tooth removed and have a plate for six months and then hopefully, hopefully, they will be able to fit a bridge. Not an option. Go to Harley Street and spend so much money and get it fixed. I have no choice.  Needless to say I am hacked off and that is polite.  I need to earn more money. Not feeling the love.

Tuesday:  In the office today and had lunch with a colleague which was rather lovely and then back home to catch up on a great deal of work.  The weather is rather strange again and I feel very tired.  So it was an early night as I have a busy day tomorrow.

Wednesday:  Early start today as I was on the 8.00 train from Kings Cross to York for work.  York has bitter sweet memories for me as in past life, I used to go there a great deal.  I even attended a very prestigious event at the Minster. One that involved a dress and hat.  York, like London was very wet.  I caught the bus outside the station and it was so strange as people queued for the bus. This does not happen in London.  In London, the bus arrives and it is a 'free for all' to get on it.  Not in York.  People, who were all white, formed an polite queue and were all welcomed by the driver.  It was also strange buying a paper ticket with cash.  The friendly bus driver even told me when it was my stop.  It was like stepping back in time.

Really good day with my peers and then it was time for the journey home.  The weather was absolutely awful and I was trying to cross the busy main road to catch the bus when it arrived. I could not cross the road but the bus driver looked at me and said 'did I want this bus?', I replied yes and he waited for me. Amazing. I thanked him so much and said that this would never happen in London and he said it was fine and it was such a lousy day.  It seemed really strange.

I did not get back home to my flat until 8.15pm as the traffic in London was horrendous because of the weather. It had been a long day but a very good one and York, I guess, now holds new memories.

Thursday:  Today is my Friday.  Thank goodness. I was working at a hospital this morning and it was good, I really enjoyed it.  Back home and it was full on as I wanted to get everything I could done as I am not working tomorrow.  The rain returned and London was wet and grey again.  It is May isn't it?

Friday:  Forget what you read on Monday. That was nothing. TOIL today and I got up and dressed and on the bus.  This has happened a couple of times to me since I have been in London.  I was religiously attacked by a highway man. This bloke got on the bus and started preaching to us all how God loves me. No! I do not need this at any time and especially not today.  Do not get me wrong, I would fight to my last breath for someone to have the freedom of speech; but where is my freedom of not having to listen to it? If looks could kill, he would be dead and be with his 'God'.  I stuck Amy singing Rehab on, very loud and told myself that if he did not shut up soon I will stand up and 'speak' to the whole bus about the joys of sex, gin and vibrators.  He really picked the wrong day to piss me off.

So I was going to Harley Street.  Yes you did hear that right, to see a dentist regarding root canal work on my tooth.  Beautiful, of course, offices and a lovely dentist who was so nice. We went through the paperwork and I told him that since I brushed my teeth this morning the crown has become really loose. He said this is not good as he suspected that the tooth had now cracked, which meant he could not do anything.  This was confirmed when he examined it.  I cried. I keep crying in dentists. Here I am, in Harley Street, crying as I have to loose a tooth.  Then what.  He explained to me that he could remove the tooth today but suggested I went back to my dentist to discuss the options. I asked him what where the options and basically, without going into too many details, there are no options except a tooth implant.  Think of a number of say your mortgage or rent then multiply it by around 20 (I am not exaggerating, well unless your rent is in London) and you will have how much this is going to cost. He explained that he does not specialise in that type of dentistry.  I apologised for crying and explained it was a shock as I was worrying about paying £850 (yes you did read that right) for the RCT and now I need to find at least 3.5 times that for an implant.  He asked me what charity I worked for and what I did and I explained that I supported people and he said that I needed my smile. That made me cry again as everyone tells me I have a lovely smile and now I will have a gap.

I finally composed myself and made my way to leave asking him where did I need to pay (it would have been a consultation fee of around £250 - I know, where is the NHS when you need it). He took my hand and said that there would be no fee. He said that I have spent my life supporting other people when they needed it the most and he would waiver his fee and that he was so sorry that he could not do anything for me. I cried. He said it was fine. Kindness can be found you know in the most unusual places.  Only I could go to Harley Street and not pay a penny.

I left and rang my dentist and arranged to have the tooth extracted on Monday. I walked along to the tube, crying.  I have said it before, no one cares in London what you do or what you look like as they are too busy dealing with their own shit. I got home and just cried and cried. So I now need to find a huge sum of money. The tooth will have to be extracted and the gum heal.  That will be around three months. My dentist does implants but I am going to shop around and see what and who is out there.  So if any of you can help with advise or suggestions I would love to hear from you.  But please remember, I am really not in the mood for jokes at the moment and just wish I could stop crying.

As always, with my love (and tears) x